Posts Tagged ‘Tacky Cars’


A week in New York City is certainly an eye opener.  I’ve been to NYC many times and it’s always a thrilling, fun and exhausting journey.  First, no one in their right mind would voluntarily drive in NYC.  Traffic is as bad or worse than LA and traffic signs and signals are mere suggestions.

Of course, the way to travel in NYC is by subway, taxi and walking – at least for the non-ultra-wealthy.  If you have money, you have a driver and/or car service.  Shopping on Madison Avenue or in SoHo is challenging. Carrying packages can be exhausting and shoveling them into a taxi or on the subway is difficult at best.  It’s much better to have your black Mercedes S-Class, Audi A8 or BMW 7-Series (with blacked-out windows, of course) and a driver who waits at the curb or is a text message away.

The other thing you notice is that there are very few Prii running around. Is this because New Yorkers don’t care about the environment?  No, it’s something more practical. The Prius is too light and lacks an all-wheel drive option. Where as a 4-Matic Mercedes or X-Drive BMW sedan is a rarity in LA, it’s almost mandatory on the East Coast where there is snow or black ice on the ground for much of the winter.

You do, however, see many Ford Escape Hybrids running around, mostly as taxis. I rode in a few of those and the cheap, ugly, hard interior plastics must have been specially-designed for the taxis. Ugh.

I try to avoid Times Square. It’s so damn tacky and it’s always packed with sleazy vendors and clueless tourists – a dangerous brew.  It’s also a terrorist target and the police presence is quite visible with portable watch towers and cameras everywhere.   We had met friends for dinner in the Theater District and  had to walk through Times Square to get to the subway.   The visual blight is legendary; however, a bright flash of blue LED lights caught my eye.

It was the Times Square Chrysler.  It’s hard to put into words how astonishingly hideous this custom car is, so I’ll just show you the pictures and let you judge for yourself. Try to keep your jaw off the keyboard.

The Times Square Chrysler 300C. It demands attention, like a train wreck.

I didn't make up the name "Times Square Chrysler." It says it in ice blue. Subtle? Not a chance.

This is the face only its Guido owner could love.

If I saw this in my rear view mirror, I'd get out of the way.

How about that custom paint job? I guess 9/11 was a defining moment in the owner's life as the World Trade Center twin towers are the hood stripes.

Never forget..... and if you do, here's a reminder.

It's hard to guess how much money went into the audio and VIDEO system in this car. Most of the trunk was sucked up with subwoofers and electronics.

I'm guessing that for this car to somehow legally drive down the street, the TV screen in place of the air bag would have to be disabled.

I don't even know what to say about the porcelain cherub on the inside of the scissor door.

It's so tacky, Times Square is a fitting home for this poor Chrysler.

LA is home to a large subculture of custom cars. It’s part of our tradition. Whether it’s a low-rider or the Bat Mobile, we do custom. In fact, LA is the perfect city to show off custom cars. There are car shows, boulevard cruising and hang out spots.

I didn’t see much of that around New York as most of the cars parked on the streets were beater commuter cars. [If you have a nice car in the City, then you have the money to shelter it.  A NYC parking space costs as much as nice one bedroom apartment in LA. ]

The Times Square Chrysler was a glaring exception. Fully lit up, you could probably see it from space.


Buick has been on an evangelical mission to find younger buyers as it’s older ones die off or abandon the brand. The new Lacrosse and Regal are pretty nice entries into the crowded compact/mid-size sedan field — it’s just hard to stand out.

2011 Buick Regal CXL

2011 Buick Regal interior

The upcoming Verano, a rebadged and gussied-up Chevy Cruze, should be interesting too.  However, Buick’s long-tarnished image as a car only for your grandparents presents an almost insurmountable barrier for younger buyers and a difficult challenge for even the most talented marketing team.

2012 Buick Verano

2012 Buick Verano interior

Buick recently dropped its long-time sponsorship of the Pro Golf tournaments (old folks) in favor of the NCAA basketball March Madness hoop-a-thon (young folks).   Buick is also sponsoring “Quest for the Keys” in various cities across the country.  The ultimate prize is a Buick.  It’s a scavenger hunt with clues on Facebook and Twitter – you know, where the young, hip customers lurk.

All the marketing muscle is showing some progress as the average age of a  Buick buyer has dropped from 70+ to 60.  However, this is still too high for GM.

Finding a Buick dealer in metro LA is harder than the Quest for the Keys scavenger hunt.  The Chevy/Buick store at Centinela and Santa Monica Blvd in Santa Monica is now an Infiniti dealer and while Buick’s website still shows them there (or nearby) I drive by it frequently and can’t find the store to save my life.  There are two dealers in the Valley (Woodland Hills and Sherman Oaks); but after that, you have to go to Penske Cadillac Buick GMC South Bay in Torrance.   If you live in Metro LA,  you aren’t going to Torrance to get service and you may not want to drive to the Valley either.

So aside from the challenge of finding a dealer, this New Rule must apply: When you drive into a Buick dealership, the first car you see can’t have a Landau roof, gold package and Vogue tires.

Jessup Auto Plaza (Cadillac, Buick, Chevrolet and GMC) in Cathedral City, California probably has lots of older customers – and that’s a good thing. But this is what you see as you drive onto their lot:

2011 Buick Regal - All dressed up and ready for ??

This Regal was laden with all the relics of times long past.  The “custom top” in canvas just looks wrong.

Vogue tires, chrome wheels... ugh.

Someone spent a lot of time to do this roof. Note the special chrome-like trim that "tricks" you into thinking it's a convertible. How about those two-tone pin stripes?

This custom coach even gets a special grill. It screams bad taste.

Note the "gold package" Buick crest and model designations - a theme carried out anywhere they could stick one. Fake gold veneer everywhere.

I don’t know how much this package cost, but it wasn’t cheap.

I had gone to Jessup to test drive the Chevy Cruze with a friend.  The pimped-out Regal was astonishing, but more treats awaited us on the Chevy side of the dealership.  There was a Malibu and an Impala with this special package of “upgrades.”

The Chevy Malibu, an all-star in the rental fleets, gets the special canvas top, gold applique, Vogue tires and chrome wheels.

Here’s the window sticker of the Malibu:

Let me translate. MSRP of the Malibu - $28,385; Custom top, gold package, Vogue tyres, mesh grill - $4,480; Pin stripes - $249. Total add-ons: $4,729. Wow.

If this package cost this much for the Malibu, it must have been at least that much on the Buick Regal.

But wait, there’s more!  I can’t believe anyone buys a Chevy Impala, the top star of rental fleets. It’s about as boring and anonymous as it gets.  It makes a Toyota Camry look glamorous.  Here is the Impala with the same grotesque package:

My, what a fetching face for this Impala. Not. It's destined for someone's garage.

Rental car no longer. This car says something about its owner: Bad taste.

The Impala's butt - either you're asleep by now or wide-eyed with amazement that these kinds of packages still find an customers.

Bottom line: If Buick wants younger customers, they can’t put these laughable relics on full display in front of the dealership.  Keep them in the back or in a special spot off to the side.  If a customer was wavering on the Buick brand and was concerned about its image as an “old person’s car” then this kind of display will kill the deal and send they to another brand.

Dealers are the all-important point-of-contact with customers.  Buick dealers must sync with regional and national marketing efforts. If they’re not, Buick will fail to find the younger buyers it so desperately covets.